When is a salad just a salad?

Low carb is tough. Some days it feels like you can never fill up with anything you can eat freely. Clearly though, all low carbs are not created equal. For example, salad that I make at home is not the same as the one I order in a restaurant. Even though I ask for oil and vinegar rather than dressing, there are contaminants or hidden carbs and gluten in the thing.

Being really gluten free, a little mess of hidden gluten can be felt in as little as a half hour. I get sluggish, bloated, and I feel it in my pesky sore foot first. I feel like I am moving under water. How in the world can a simple salad get so contaminated?! And we thought low carb would cinch the gluten free eating! Ack.

Down about 10 pounds now. And since the foot is feeling better most of the time, or as long as I change my footwear several times during the day, and I don't stomp on it, oh and I don't stretch it the wrong way, I've decided to start walking.

We'll see. It is like multitasking during work. You take a call, write a memo, do an email, check your facebook page, and chew celery all at the same time. Walking is similar. You have to walk further each time, watch how you place the injured foot, make sure the dogs don't tangle up in the leashes, and keep your pants pulled up all at the same time. You try it!

Ack.

Celiac Eats Her Purse

I am not saying I am uber hungry, but it is hard to fill up on both no gluten and no carbs. It can be done, but just don't do it with a ton of prosciutto. Seriously. Now I understand why they serve it as appetizers in tiny pieces?

The whole package, Costco size, is not an invitation for ham and cheese ad nauseum. Or. Perhaps it is. However, I warned you. The aftermath is not pretty. First comes the satisfaction. Next up, about two hours and three gallons of water later comes the regret. Not long follows with a slight but sincere attempt by your body to punish you for such a stupid move. Nausea, followed by pounding headache, a few aches and pains, and the inability to leave the bathroom more than 10 feet away since you've now consumed 10 gallons of water.

That is the punishment. I can't even look at the remaining prosciutto in the package. I had to shove it under something in the refrigerator.

The next day I ate lightly and avoided any glance in the package's direction. I wasn't terribly thirsty anymore, but I was more bloated than if I had eaten an entire loaf of french bread, which at this point might have been better for me.

I have some gluten free ravioli in the freezer. Anyone want some?

Can I Get "The Department of Law" to arrest those Candy Bars?

Leave it to Sarah Palin to do what has been the impossible these past days. She made me laugh myself silly with her speech about how "the department of law" in the white house would save the president from any gaffes. Seriously, she would like to be protected by "the department of law". Nothing like silly politics to take your mind off food.

The gluten flu is gone. The lower carb flu is mostly gone. The cravings, or should I say the specific cravings are gone. I still want something sweet after dinner and I still want something else after lunch.

If someone were to have told me that sugar free jello would be my choice of dessert I would have laughed at them. No one is laughing now. The really dark red stuff is my favorite. Sometimes I top it with a little whipped cream made with fake sugar, and sometimes I eat it naked. Naked jello. OOOOOOOooooooh.

My foot pain is about 80% better in under a week. My leg pains and cramps are almost negligible, and I am waking up in the morning not wanting to sleep anymore. I can feel the energy, like someone infused me with extra new lithium batteries charged on full. After months of lethargy, I almost don't know what to do with it.

My complexion is clearing up. That is really nice since I thought I was just doomed to have adult acne forever.

It is the little things that change daily that are making me think that what we eat is how we feel. It is just unfortunate that there isn't a way to eat a pint of ice cream with no fallout. This calls for an invention people! Invent! And hurry it up please.

But the very best part of all is no more reflux. No more sleeping on 6 pillows or taking an odd assortment of medications or several tums each night. No more waking up to that awful burning esophagus. I really appreciate being able to almost sleep soundly through the night.

Oozing the Gluten Flu

Day two and three were not that much better. Day three brought a tiny bit of relief in the morning hours. Enough relief in fact, to run around like a nut without tiring out, including a reprieve from sore muscles. For that matter, no sore foot. That would be the first day the foot was not complaining in about 6 months.

But by afternoon the fake flu was raging. I think it had a bit of migraine tossed in with a smidgen of new diet confounding the brain.

The third night was as bad as the last time I had the flu, years back. Chills, fake fever (or maybe not), muscles hurting without moving them, and the fog that makes you whimper. I thought sleep would make it better, but I vacillated between freezing and sweating with nightmares to match each temperature shift.

By morning I was exhausted and not amused. I usually feel much better in the morning, but this time I was weak, tired, and still hurting.

The good news is that it went away by noon. Just vanished. No flu vanishes like that. Almost like while I wasn't looking, it packed a suitcase and fled the premises. All I can say is don't let the door hit your ass on the way out! Adios.

It is past the witching hour of 5PM and I am still whole. Let us hope it is a good sign, that the tipping point has arrived. Perhaps my body realizes I am not killing it, but trying to heal.

I could do without the bad hair day, but I'll take that over the fake flu any day!

The Day I Take it Seriously

This is the day I promised that would come. Too bad it actually did. Do you have any idea what is like to wake up in the morning knowing that how you eat, what you eat, what you love to eat will change?

Think profoundly sad. Sad like when you leave your brand new iPhone on the plane and remember when you are at baggage claim. Sad like when you get to the bakery on Saturday morning only to find that all the pain au chocolate are gone. Sad like when you know you will be in the dentist's chair having a root canal before lunch.

The first day is always the most difficult. Similar to the day where you have a job review with a boss you hate, a doctor's appointment for a pap smear, and a teacher's conference when no other parents have one. That kind of difficult.

Here's the thing, though. Just get through the day. Get through the day by any means possible that keeps you on track. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, says, or offers in the way of food gifts, support or nagging. Let the voices rise away like little balloons. If you can, don't even go out among people you know. If you must be out of the house, pick a place where anonymity is the norm, like the movies, the mall, your office, the coffee shop. Just avoid the grocery, Costco and street vendors.

Or, better yet, stay in bed.

I'm not starting from scratch with the gluten free thing. I've been there for a number of years because the Geek is a confirmed celiac. So our house is gluten free. But since I am merely a suspected celiac, I sometimes feel like I can eat the stuff with impunity.

However, each time I do, it gets worse. The symptoms come much faster and are more severe. I actually felt that since I was never officially diagnosed that I had a right to eat gluten when I felt the rare urge. Like I have the right to eat 3000 calories and not think I wouldn't gain weight.

The straw, the turning point was one lousy little thin 6 inch pizza. The crust is like flat bread, almost not there. But this time I knew that my little fairy tale was truly fiction. I ate the pizza at night and woke up feeling like I had the flu. Everything ached. And more. Gluten. The only explanation.

So this is the day I start taking this seriously. It is the hardest day of all. I will combine the gluten free with a low carb diet to kick start some weight loss and to help my body heal.

The first morning, aside from the gluten-flu was not awful. The afternoon was supremely bad as the hours marched on. The pretend gluten-flu got worse, I was starving and we had not filled the larder with the right foods yet. I made do.

I ate enough cheese to please even a mouse. I longed for hard boiled eggs but was too lazy to make some. Finally dinner arrived and I ate grocery store roasted chicken like a starving child. It was sublime. And filling.

I felt like something that had gotten dragged in by an eager feline, but I had made it through day one. One whole day was enough to make me stronger. One whole day was enough to believe that my other self (the one that prefers chocolate as a food group) was taking it seriously too.

But I do not like the fake flu. It hurts everywhere and the fake fever is annoying.

Let's see what tomorrow brings. Nap time. Double nap time.